Storm Water Rules; Septic Systems and Unorthodox Approaches outsmart National Politicians.

The memorandum about new rules filtering down from the US EPA through our Metro Council to the City Commission announces a new proclamation; shedders of storm water have to filter out 80% of sediments before release to the Kentwood system.

More seriously, none of this storm water can flow out of our city except during intense storms.

I lost my way here.

The rule of thumb in hydrology in our region is that one third of rain water evaporates, one third sinks in and the last third enters rivers and is eventually flushed out of the system and over Niagara Falls. Rain is rain whether it be a trace one day and 2 inches over an hour the next day; what turns mutually interchangable rain water into storm water?

Transcending these epistemic problems, what solutions does our Metro Counsel and city engineer propose?

Well, we can politicize so that the bureaucracy will let us offload some of our rain into the national waters; warmhearted of them, but, I think that the threat still lurks since the rules are still in place. Water has to be retained on site and allowed to seep away, and not slowly released as it does now from detention ponds. Much of the soil in Kentwood is heavy clay, relatively impervious to seepage.

I can think of several solutions beyond what our engineer proposes. I found, as in the previous blog, that covering my otherwise refractory septic drain with organic debris allowed for great drainage. We might harvest leaves collected during the fall and spread them over otherwise empty areas in parks and woodlands; it’s a bit hard to divert water from sites that shed water to these unorthodox sponges, but still, if you have a woods at the bottom of your development…..

Another feature of Kentwood is its gypsum mines off of E. Paris. They are said to be full of water, but does this stuff flow or dissipate to deeper levels? If so, why not pump the extra water down into this sump?

Going further; we could dam up any of several creeks in the raw land apparent on any map of Kentwood; the aggregate detention of water might be such that we might not have to discharge any into the “state waters.”  This would build up a lake or two with the associated aura of waterfront property, swells from big law firms building mansions on the shores, swimming beaches for kids, ice fishing and boating…. Oh, so many blessings from the rules that we keep our water for ourselves!

Onward! As you all know, I harbor a avaricious streak that metastasizes to my surrounding; nothing thwarts my suggesting to Kentwood ways of making money from the tatters of our civilization. What if we tapped a well into one end of the gypsum mines and sold it as expensive bottled “mineral water?” Enough of these sales might lower the water table enough to allow for room to pump our excess but purified storm water down at the other end of the mine. It would be saturated with the gypsum salts, aka alabaster or selenite, as it oozed along the mine and we could eventually sell our storm water to Wyoming and other neighboring, less enterprising burgs.

Well, enough of this governmental caterwauling! I live in a state sponsored whorehouse. I’ll never admit to how much I enjoy writing about its perversions, and no one pays me a red cent.

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